Something New

Something new . . .

Do the words excite you?  Make you curious?  Does your heart race a little with anticipation?

For many of us, the idea of something new sets are blood moving, puts a spring in our step, and keeps us up the night before the big event.

But, for some of us (my son, especially) something new can be debilitating, crippling, terrifying.  He's grappled with this fear of change since we moved to our new home now five years ago.

I digress . . .

Yesterday, we tried something new - a new church.  My early posts shared much of my frustration with the church and a deep yearning for a more spiritual connection than the traditional church can provide.  I have read (and will continue to read) a few books, lots of web sites, and explored other not-so-traditional options.  I've begun practicing meditation - regularly.

This morning, though, we finally did it.  We stepped outside our comfort zone and traveled to a nearby Unitarian Universalist Church.  I knew going in that this was not the kind of church I've always known.  It would not be the liturgy and ritual that I have always loved.  

I've come to believe that there are multiple truths and have written about this new paradigm before.  This church seems to offer a place to explore this multiplicity while providing support and understanding of each person and their personal spiritual journey.  I love this!

We enjoyed our morning, the warm welcome we received by the 35 members attending.  It was small, informal.  The speaker (who shared her Buddhist journey) was engaging and educational.  My spirit felt more at home than it has felt in years.  

The children were swept off to religious education where they watched a few scenes from Harry Potter and connected those to traditional beliefs of the UU church - love and dignity of all creation.  There aren't many mainline churches that would bring Harry Potter into their curriculum!

This was a big stretch for us - filled with excitement and curiosity, but also with fear and the realization of what we may give up moving forward.

While personally excited and hopeful, I'm mostly proud of my son.  He went off to religious education with the look of terror on his face, looked back at where we were sitting, and said "I can do this, Mom."

And he did!

Unpacking

Forgive me as I work through some of the issues, inconsistencies, and struggles I've been having with the church.  I've been tentative about getting to these topics so quickly after starting this blog, but I really need to get them out of my head and into a space where I can begin to make sense of them.  I promise that once I empty the frustrations and draining questions about the church that I'll move back into my journey to find God's unconditional love within me.  Somehow, this feels a necessary step in my process!

For years, I have relied solely on the church (see yesterday's post) for spiritual nourishment.  Recently, I haven't found that nourishment from the church so I've been exploring other places.  I need to be rather honest, though.  I own the problem, not the church.  As I eluded to yesterday, I have had the good fortune of being a part of strong church communities where worship, among other things, gave me all I needed to get through each week.  

Most recently, we were part of a congregation with a strong children's and youth ministry, a pastor who was progressive in nature, but grounded in Scripture, a music ministry that could only be surpassed with professional musicians.  We worked hard to sustain a welcoming and inviting church experience for visitors, while strengthening our own community. In my time at this church, we experienced some ugly events that splendidly captured our human falleness.  Lay leaders stepped up in the absence of a pastor and began the healing process for our congregation.  In the meantime, other lay leaders worked hard to keep worship, music, Christian education, and community alive.  Oh, I miss this church home.

We moved from this church family when I accepted a job elsewhere and moved to an area where there are not a lot of Lutheran churches, but I feel fully grounded in the Lutheran tradition.  The few Lutheran churches in this area are far more conservative, traditional and rooted in what they've always known and always done.  For the first time in my church life, I've begun to understand why Lutherans have a reputation for being averse to change.  But, I can't begin to understand this aversion.

Did the Lutheran church not begin on the entire premise of change?  Luther never wanted a new church.  He wanted reform in the Catholic church which he loved so much.  

So, we don't change what we do, mostly.  

Other churches around us have changed a lot of what they do to meet the interests of the people living in this community.  The churches who offer contemporary worship, Sunday school in conjunction with traditional worship, praise band opportunities, youth retreats, and week night Bible and fellowship activities for children are booming.  They are alive and filled with energy.  They have families and children (I can count on two hands the number of families with children we have at our church)! But they don't have formal liturgy or ritual.

Just after our arrival, I remember thinking out loud to a fellow church member who happened to be a coworker and saying with surprise, "Our church is so conservative!?"  He replied, "The Lutheran church IS conservative."  I was knocked over with this assertion.  Never did I feel any political alignment in the churches I attended.  Never were social issues (abortion, sexual orientation, etc.) at the heart of our existence.  I felt like a fish out of water.

In fact, I would have suggested that the church's emphasis on reaching out to the poor, feeding the hungry, and serving the marginalized coupled with the recent social statements published by the larger church, show that the Lutheran church is far from conservative.  So, why are we stuck in this time warp?

I've shopped.  Believe me, I've shopped for another church.  I've reviewed worship schedules and formats, I've searched for children and youth programs, I've explored music ministry opportunities, I've talked with families that attend other churches, I've visited other churches.  But, I always come back to this - grace alone, faith alone, Word alone.  

Here are the things I believe and I can't say that they are all really Lutheran.  But I do know that these beliefs keep me where I am, despite my discontent with the church.

• I believe that we are ALL children of God.
• I believe that God extended her Grace through the life, death, and resurrection of her Son, Jesus Christ.
• I believe that we are called, as Christians, to love - when it's hard, when others don't, when we can't.  This love should be without judgment and without condition, but with understanding and compassion.
• I believe that we are context bound.  If we are born Muslim, we will be bound to a belief system that most Christians cannot comprehend.  A belief system that we are not permitted to challenge or question.  A belief system so part of our history, family, and daily existence that we wouldn't even think to question it.  Yet, I cannot believe in a God that would condemn us for this.  Therefore, we, as humans, should not condemn others.
• I believe in the presence and power of the Holy Spirit.

So, how to reconcile this?  How do I find spiritual nourishment (I'll save an update on my meditation practice for another day)?  How do I have patience and understanding with the people who make up the church, including myself?  How do I overcome my frustration with my current worship experience?  How do I learn what appropriate worship should be?  One thing I can say is that one big question surely leads to the next...

Until next time, peace be with you.

"the church"

Reredos

On my mind today is another of those big questions.  At the risk of being too brief, I'll start with some thoughts today and likely revisit this topic again...

"The church" is a concept I've been struggling with for a while now.  I grew up in "the church" because my parents raised me in the church.  But I've continued with "the church" as an adult because I'm seeking a spiritual foundation for myself and for my children.  I am involved in "the church."  I've served on committees, conducted children's choirs, directed hand bell choirs, played flute for countless worship services at many different churches, and I've occasionally sung in choirs.  I've read Scripture readings during worship, assisted with Sunday school and have taught vacation Bible school.  I'm definitely connected with "the church."

There is much about "the church" that I love, that sustains me, that fuels me.  I love liturgy and worship.  I can recall many Sunday mornings where I've seen the thread that runs through the music, scripture, the prayers, and the sermon and I've walked away from worship renewed. 

I love ritual - communion, the order of worship, baptism, stations of the cross at Lent, church seasons, colors of church seasons - particularly when I understand and learn about the significance of each ritual.  For example, baptism means something different to many Christians, but for those of us who believe that we are saved by grace alone, baptism is a ritual in which God welcomes us as a child of God.  It doesn't matter who we are, who are family is, where we come from, or who we will grow up to be, God says, "You are mine."

Pipe organ: St. Paul's Cathedral

I LOVE music.  More than once in my life, I've been blessed with amazing music directors and music programs (the sign of a true Lutheran!).  I know, first-hand, the transformation that music can make in a worship experience.  I know how music can lift me up and carry me to places beyond my human experience - festival Sundays, holidays, anniversary and ordination celebration, Lenten mid-week services, weekly worship.  

Worship music has made me weep, glow, shiver, shine, smile, and fly.  It has always been that I've felt closest to God through music - listening, singing, playing, practicing; traditional hymns, classical, contemporary, African, instrumental or vocal.  I've often felt that music is the language that can transcend cultural difference, religious difference, generational difference - any difference for that matter.

But, lately "the church" seems cold, stuck, lost, dying.  

The empty pews and lack of energy in worship, as well as the physically cold temperatures leave my weekly visit feeling incomplete, unbalanced.  

The resistance to change our worship style or to try new styles of music within worship makes me frustrated.  

Our emphasis on tradition and ritual in a geographic area that seems much more inclined to discard tradition and ritual to be replaced with fundamental and conservative ideals combined with contemporary, activity-filled worship makes me wonder if we are sustainable.  Quite frankly, my weekly worship experience makes me wonder if I can be sustained by "the church."

Of course this is why I'm turning to meditation, prayer, and reflection for spiritual sustenance.  I'm not finding it from with out, so I'm looking within.  As for "the church," I'm not going anywhere.  

I will pray that I can look beyond what I want worship to be.

I will pray that I can be part of a solution for "the church."

I will pray that I can merge the parts of "the church" that I love with my own personal journey so that they are symbiotic rather than separate and distinct.

I will pray and meditate and reflect.