affirmation: a balancing act

You may know that this has been a time of transition for me.  I elected to change positions earlier this semester and knew that the energy required would impact my way of being in every part of my life.  And, so it has.

Papa Bear and I have had to rethink dinner, homework and weeknight activities.  We've had to rethink church and religious education commitments.  We've adjusted for nighttime meetings and weekend events on campus.  We've had to be intentional with the time we do have together.  I've taken days off to be home when the kids have no school.  I'm working to adapt my summer schedule to be home earlier as well.  It's a balancing act, to be sure.

Some things had to go.  If I was to spend my time and energy on my own professional development, this "me time" in this space had to take a back seat.  I offer that not as excuse, not because I feel guilty, but because it simply had to be.  Perhaps I've learned through this transition something different than many transitions before.  I CANNOT have it all!

After many wonderful evenings with students and a whirlwind of new activities, student leaders, and events, along came an affirmation.  One that I needed in a moment of sheer exhaustion.  Students honored the balance I've attempted to achieve.  They honored me in front of the world (or at least our little world of campus). In a silent attempt to honor the greatness of all people who make our academic community work, they celebrated me, and my motherhood, and my professional life, and the balance that holds all three together.

I like to pride myself on my ability to succeed and persist based on my own internal motivation to do so.  But, I have to be honest. Knowing others see what I've hoped to BE is a wonderful feeling, one for which I am truly grateful.

Meditation Images

My eyes are closed.  In front of me appears a funnel-like image.  It is blueish against the black background of my meditation.  On the surface of the funnel are hundreds of white-framed images, photos I think.  I recognize them as my thoughts.  Most are of work, some of home, some of the conversation about faith that dances in my head.

I am overwhelmed by the sheer number of images I see.  For it is rare for me to visualize anything in meditation and I know there is a reason these images have appeared today.  My body has been sensing for days the familiar chaos of August.  The tension in my neck is mounting, the tired in my eyes is appearing.  My heart is racing and I feel my body pulling back, resisting this busyness of August.  

For years, this month brought new beginnings, fresh starts, renewed energy, new friends.  But not this year.  This year it's bringing tornado like images and sensations within my heart and mind.

And it makes me wonder, why am I here?  Is this the place for me anymore?

Tears fall down my face, eyes still closed, body still immersed in the lotus position.  This, too, is a recent effect of meditation.  Tears.

There is a reason for this that will be revealed in time.  In time . . .

Lessons from a Drive

"The grass is always greener . . . "

"This OR that . . ."

"You can't have your cake and eat it, too."

These cliches filled my mind during an early morning drive to my doctor's office.  The drive into a large, urban city reminded me of my long ago commute of bumper-to-bumper, four-lane highway decorated with red brake lights and sounds of honking horns.  Each day, the 12 mile commute lasted more than an hour and cost me a lot more in stress and anxiety.

In sharp contrast, my drive home was more typical of the daily traffic in my more rural life - wide-open, flower-lined roads, blue skies, and streets named for the people who live on them (Mae and Gene Lane).

 

 

I've come to love this simpler life.  Don't get me wrong, we are busy. Often, too busy.  But, the pace is different here and the air is clear here and everything is green.

On my drive, I also realized the dichotomy that is life.  

There are many things I miss about my urban life.  Mostly, I miss progressively minded people.  I miss a brand of Christianity that is genuinely open and welcome to all people, that blends a bit of tradition with a bit of contemporary in a thoughtful and meaningful way.  I miss a diversity in people - Black, Middle Eastern, Asian, Latino - all speaking their native tongue in the local shopping areas.  I miss culture - music, art, theater.

I don't know that I can have "both/and."  It's been an exhausting search.

I like the simpler life, though.  So, for now, I choose this road . . .

Winding Down

There is something about this time of year, when the earth, the flowers, the hours of sunlight are just beginning to wind up, that leads me to a time of winding down.  For twelve years, I've worked in higher education which means that May involves finals week, commencement, banquets, farewell receptions & dinners, goodbyes, closing buildings, and staff departures.  So, while the earth is waking, I feel my inner being slowing, holding my breath through the busyness of these next two weeks, staring out at the rest that I will take when it is all done.  And looking forward to the "slowing" that summer will bring.

This may be the first summer on record that I want to savor for its laziness, determined to be intentional about how we spend our days - casual, flexible, fun, together.  I hope to begin each day in meditation outside with the birds and crisp, cool air.  I hope to let the children sleep while I slip off to work early each morning.  I hope to leave work mid-afternoon to relieve my sitter and spend time playing before dinner.  I hope to take days off to spend at home, at the beach, at the zoo, and other places only our imagination can take us.  I hope to end each day with a walk alone sorting my thoughts and breathing in peace and tranquility.  Sounds fabulous doesn't it!?

Slowing down has been on my mind, as you can tell.  I told my son, not that long ago, that there is wisdom that says we should see ourselves having the things we want in life and then let it happen.  I can see.  So, I suppose it is time to let go!

What are your hopes and dreams this summer?

Balance

A Reflection:  I find myself at the end of a day which has been a rat race at best.  I'm holding myself together while I sense that I am quickly losing grasp of the peace of mind I discovered while home after surgery.  I've been able to maintain my meditation practice, thankfully.  But, I've lost the space for walking.  I'm chest deep in the things that drove my crazy and hectic life before I embraced the time to slow down.  

I can't say that I am surprised.  Going, going, going is who I have always been.  But I REALLY enjoyed being able to be truly present in the moment - to savor it, to be in it, to explore it and enjoy it.  The ability to just "be" is slipping away despite the clenching of my fists to the rope holding it near me.

While I'm back to the going, going, going, there is definitely resistance within me.  My mind has always been able to hold a multitude of tasks in one space which I credit for my ability to vision,to make meaningful connections, and to keep our family unit going.  In one breath, I would be writing a proposal, creating a birthday party invitation, getting bags packed for school, then soccer, and planning my next bell rehearsal.  Today, holding more than one thought in my mind makes my mind shut down.  I've let planning go and know that I will be paying the consequences  soon enough.  I'm not sure if my mental energy is still recuperating or if I'm fighting myself in an effort to hold onto those peaceful, reflective moments I had.

I started my writing by asking how I might hold family, faith, and work in one life and give each the attention they deserve.  Later I wondered if I might continue this spiritual journey upon reentering the busyness of my life.  Today, I'm thinking of balance and how this is achieved.  Is there really balance?  Can I hold all the things that are in my life, yet commit to the quiet, peaceful, reflective moments? 

I view my mind's resistance to processing all the "to do" list items and know that I've changed.  I know that my body, mind, and spirit are not willing to end the journey they've begun.  For this I am thankful.  But, today, I am also doubtful.  

Ahhhhh....perhaps balance is found somewhere between - somewhere between hope and doubt, peace and busy, the time spent with children and time spent alone, the time in action and the time in thought.  To settle somewhere in the middle would be nice...maybe...balanced.