quiet

I've noticed something lately...

Quiet.

I've noticed it in my home as my children play in another room.

I've noticed it in the morning as I get ready for work.

I've noticed it in the car on my commute.

I've noticed it as I walk around campus.

I've savored it during my morning meditation.

It wasn't all that long ago when silence would make me uncomfortable, when I would feel compelled to fill the silence with conversation, television, radio.  I don't miss those distractions and quite enjoy their absence.

I find myself sometimes yearning for a moment of silence when I'm stressed or overwhelmed.  Just a minute to walk away and breath, to gather my thoughts before moving forward.

I've noticed that accepting quiet into my life, my mind, my heart changes the way I think, act, and react.  It seems I move a little slower these days.

I like it.

Quiet.

understanding

We're laying in her bed as she attempts to unwind from the day.  We've read her stories and, not quite ready to close her eyes, she asks me to read to her from my book.  This happens every so often.  So, I do.

My reading tonight is of mindfulness, the Buddhist idea of bringing ourselves fully into the present moment.  It is a gift we give others, it is a gift we give ourselves, and this author argues, it can be a way to fully experience the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

I read a few short pages and place the book on the night stand.  Even for me, this takes some digesting and I want to sink myself into the ideas on these few pages.  I roll over and close my eyes, in hopes that she will do the same.

She sings quietly as I drift peacefully to sleep . . . "We can change the world."

I reply, "Yes, we can," and we both fall fast asleep.

Meditation Images

My eyes are closed.  In front of me appears a funnel-like image.  It is blueish against the black background of my meditation.  On the surface of the funnel are hundreds of white-framed images, photos I think.  I recognize them as my thoughts.  Most are of work, some of home, some of the conversation about faith that dances in my head.

I am overwhelmed by the sheer number of images I see.  For it is rare for me to visualize anything in meditation and I know there is a reason these images have appeared today.  My body has been sensing for days the familiar chaos of August.  The tension in my neck is mounting, the tired in my eyes is appearing.  My heart is racing and I feel my body pulling back, resisting this busyness of August.  

For years, this month brought new beginnings, fresh starts, renewed energy, new friends.  But not this year.  This year it's bringing tornado like images and sensations within my heart and mind.

And it makes me wonder, why am I here?  Is this the place for me anymore?

Tears fall down my face, eyes still closed, body still immersed in the lotus position.  This, too, is a recent effect of meditation.  Tears.

There is a reason for this that will be revealed in time.  In time . . .

Planning & Playing

It's been 8 days since my last post and only my second post of June.  Normally, this might make me feel guilty and frustrated with myself.  Instead, I am thrilled!  My planful and intentional summer wish list is well underway.

Here's what we've been up to . . .

Planning a bathroom renovation (actually 2 bathrooms!):

And a little demo . . .

Playing  a little . . .

And planning a little more . . .

 

And playing even more . . .

 

The summer is off to a great start.  

Each morning begins on my front porch before the rest of the neighborhood stirs and I'm alone with the sun, the wind, the birds.  Together, we meditate and remind ourselves to slow down and take it all in.

Each day ends with us together - a family, enjoying each other and our precious time together. (Lest I should leave the wrong impression, the space between is often filled with impatience, yelling, crying, etc.)

As much as this blog was intended as a space for me to ask and ponder big questions, I'm finding this summer has brought with it a quieting of those questions and peace of mind with simply being! For that, I will not apologize or feel guilty - only thrilled!

Being

There is a dark and lonely place that my mind escapes to on occasion.  A usually talkative person, my words retreat to a space far away and I long to relinquish any and all decision making, organizing, planning, and doing.  For most of my life, I've known this as the ugly times and assumed I had a predisposition for depression.  This is where I am today.

I've hesitated to write about this believing it a sign of weakness and moment of selfishness.  I also worry about those reading who might become worried themselves.  But, I've learned that writing has a way of lighting darkness, clearing the mind, and changing my perspective.  So, I am writing.

"I would like to know if other people have these moments too." (Schoemperlen)

I am also reading.  I recently came across a passage in Our Lady of the Lost and Found that shed light on my own mental retreats.  Schoemperlen writes of her own life when she was in her thirties (like me) and asking life's big questions (like me), "I found myself slipping into the ever-seductive slough of despair."  She continues, "This swamp of self-doubt led . . . to an obsessive spasm of self-examination.  I desperately wanted to figure out what was wrong with me."

I've had this experience all my life - where I become quiet, withdrawn, and wallow in self pity about the things I wish I had in my life (money, time, peace, a different job, material things around my home, balance).  Or I become caught up in self-critique and desire to be better than I am - more attune to nature, more focused on sustainability and care for our earth, less critical of others, more patient, less judgmental, more open, more able to be in the moment.

This is the first time I've come to this place since my surgery and meaningful time at home following.  That is when I began meditation, when I began writing, when I began seeing things differently.  So as I find myself here again, I'm asking myself why.  Why am I here when there is so much in my life to be thankful for?  Why am I withdrawn when those I love are reaching out?  Having seen beauty and love and peace and kindness in such different ways over the last four months, why am I here again?  

"These intermittent losses of faith . . . would seem to have little to do with love or loneliness.  Rather, they seem to be about something less tangible, something to do with purpose and meaning or a sudden visceral suspicion of the lack thereof." (Schoemperlen)

I don't know what precipitates this time.  I've never felt able to pull myself out - only time does that.  "More often that not it happens at less predictable moments when suddenly and for no good reason, I feel bereft and unequal to the task at hand, be it making the bed, doing the dishes, going to the bank, washing my hair, or writing another book." (Schoemperlen)  

These moments leave as quickly as they set in.

I am seeing this time differently than I used to.  I don't feel so hopeless and I don't feel like there is something wrong with me.  Meditation has taught me to allow what is.  So, this is where I am today and this space means something for me.  This is where I am supposed to be.  I have come to discover that these times are a yearning to simply BE.

"It is only in the telling of my story that I could recognize how change has been happening all along.  Now I understand that change (like time, history, and words) is both quick and slow.  Too quick.  Too slow." (Schoemperlen)

NPR has a Sunday morning program titled On Being which used to be called Speaking of Faith.  This program considers a wide and open variety of topics on faith, purpose, meaning, and being.  I love the change in title and feel my own journey of faith, purpose, meaning, and being reflects the paradigm shift also found in the program title change.  Ahhhh - a moment of connection!

So, I still don't know why I am here today and when I will leave this place.  But, I'm here in this silent, lonely, quiet place in a very different way.  Just BEING!

Quiet Moments

It is 6:30 a.m. Saturday morning and I am awake watching the sun rise - at least the gray clouded horizon!  One baby awake, quietly settled in front of morning cartoons (a Saturday pleasure for my children).  So, I find myself savoring the quiet and the moment to feel God's presence.

The last few days have brought in beautiful weather, warm and sunny and melting the mounds of snow that have been here since the beginning of December.  The weather brought a great opportunity to be outside, to run, to be loud, to play, to walk and breath the fresh air.  It's also been very windy, the wind bringing with it the next cold and snowy front.  The wind even woke us a few times through the night.  So, in the moment of morning that I am enjoying, I notice that the weather turned still.

The stillness captured!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm thankful for the still and quiet time I've had these last three weeks.  I'm thankful for the healing that has come with that stillness.  I'm thankful for this quiet morning time today.  For it is in the still and quiet that God touches my heart and says, "I'm here with you!"

Peace to you this Saturday morning!