I've had bad days. But the bad days that get me are the ones in which someone attacks me for the very things that I work so hard to do well. A few weeks ago I wrote about a situation in which a student and her parents accused me of writing her up for breaking the rules because I didn't like her. She broke the rules. I wrote her up. That's the way it works. I spend every working moment trying to be fair and equitable and being told I'm not strikes right to the core.
There's probably only one other accusation a person could make that would cut me more deeply - the accusation of hurting people, intentionally, on the basis of their race.
It's true. I am frustrated with the narrow-mindedness of my employing institution.
It's true. I have a naive idea that I can change the world by simply wanting to include people who are different or who don't fit in seamlessly.
It's true. I make mistakes.
But I have not, and never will, work with intention to hurt another person. And, THAT knocks me to my knees.
I won't sleep tonight. Or for days to come. And the most frustrating part is that I cannot change the perception. I cannot change this situation. There are moments when I've questioned my professional self. And, lately, those moments seem to run one into another.
Why am I pursuing a vision of justice for this place? Is it worth chasing? Am I alone in the pursuit? Should I even be here? In this place? At this time? Do I have anything left to give this profession? Am I too burned out?
Just as I'm emptied and am limping through the response letter on my computer in walks four friendly faces. Faces that will love me for a lifetime. Faces that will forgive me when I fail. Faces that are sincerely saddened because Mama's had a bad day. Faces that are kind because they want me to feel better. Faces followed by hugs and lots and lots of love.
All I can think is "My family rocks!" These kids of mine are kind and loving and compassionate. This Papa of mine rocks my world. These people of mine are the light of my life!
Whether I'm supposed to keep working here or move onto to other things, I don't know. But, I do know, that no matter what, I can do ANYTHING with Papa Bear, Mr. Man, Peace, and Pie at my side. And that is worth everything!
I'm so sorry you had a bad experience, but I'm so happy you have the love and support of your family.
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDelete-Cindy
love you, stay strong and warm in the love that surrounds you!
ReplyDeleteThe minute I told them you had a bad day, it's like a light switch went on. They wanted to do something for you and they wanted to give you big hugs. Usually, the rides home from daycare are things that involve arguing about what someone did or didn't do at school, arguing about who is going to get the mail, and discussion about how each others days went. But, the ride home this day was all about how to make Mommy feel better. They are amazing!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Papa Bear
Oh G, those feelings of hurt come so fully to you because of your immense compassion and care for others. I am sorry you are experiencing this situation, and I know as you work your way through the emotional terrain you will better know yourself and your understanding of where you are to be at this time.
ReplyDeleteI am sending love, and encouragement and a safe haven to you.
And what amazing kids! It is those in your family that love you, forever and ever, no. matter. what.
Love you, (and all you professionally and personally are to me!)
Claudine