uncomfortable learnings

An update from this post earlier this week:

I've always believed that every difficult situation provides an opportunity to shed light and learn.  This situation was no different.

I am, first and foremost, so incredibly thankful to everyone who showed empathy, compassion, and support - those who commented, texted, or talked.  And, boy, have I talked a ton about this week's events. Ahem!

There is one person who knows me personally and professionally who has been by my side through many tough situations.  She's always been a voice of encouragement in such an honest way.  She offered this,"Oh G, those feelings of hurt come so fully to you because of your immense compassion and care for others" followed by so much more affirmation.

The gist of the back story is that I work at a small, private, liberal art college that is church-related.  We are located in a rural and relatively conservative area of the nation.  The sense of community and connectedness on this campus is rich and deep for many.  It is this community that defines us.  

It can also be what divides us.  For there are community members - faculty, staff, students - who don't fit in seamlessly.  Often they are poor or Black or gay or Catholic or without faith or philosophically liberal.  It seems to me that it is likely that these folks will never fit in which denies them the ability to finish their education, or serve the community, or feel safe and comfortable.  

I've approached my role on campus as one who should work intentionally to reach out to those marginalized or oppressed by the community.  Part of that means hiring staff who believe this is important and have experiences to assist.  One of those new hires was a young Black woman from an urban area about 8 hours from our campus.  

We knew our campus would be a tough place for her to be.  We built support systems, we reached out to her, we worked hard to help her integrate, but it wasn't enough.  And in the middle of the night, she left - no notice, no plan.  She left behind a letter that accused me of failing her as a Black woman on our campus.  And, perhaps, I had.

I'm not going to defend the work I've done or my efforts to support and assist her.  I've spent the better part of the week doing just that and realizing that the community around me, including the Black members of the community, already knew my work.  They already knew my efforts.  They already knew that she failed to acknowledge the networks we built and refused to reach back.  

She was stoic, strong, and stubborn.  She wanted to be the hero, but wasn't prepared for the shock.  It was hard for her, I know.  And I wish I could have taken that away from her.  But I can't.  It's not mine to remove.

Saint Angela Merici who wrote "Build community wherever you go."

Image taken from www.ursulinesisters.org

So, what have I learned through this?

I've learned to trust those surrounding me and to remember that I am not in this alone.

I've learned that students rally together when their supervisor is absent (mentally or physically) and succeed despite the tough things they are facing.

I've learned that there are set backs when you assume responsibility for tearing down the walls that marginalize people groups.

I've learned that doing the right thing doesn't always garner the results you had hoped for, but these are mini steps toward success.

I'm reminded that there is not a one-size-fits-all solution to issues of race.

I've learned that I cannot take the difficult out of transition for any new staff member no matter how hard I try.  Because in that discomfort there is learning to be done and that is the experience that I can give my staff.

I've learned that I am honest about the cultural tension on our campus and that matters.

I'm reminded that MOST members of this campus community love it here, are successful here, and want to savor and remember their days here.  And that matters.

I'm reminded that THIS is what I do, each and every day.  Bad days, hard situations, and steps back are part of it.  But it is still what I do.

I'm not done trying.  That is never the answer.  But I am sad, that out there, many miles from me now, is a hurting young woman who will never know what she could have been here with us.  For her, and for so many others, I will keep trying!