parallel play

Strange how life works at times, isn't it?

Peace has been having a tough time at school.  She has a bully in her classroom.  

I work with young adults, just beyond their teens.  So, I know how difficult school can be for girls.  My staff is constantly facilitating programs and discussion groups on the notion of Mean Girls.  Mediation training is one of the primary focal points of our staff training and we spend many, many hours working through conflict and bully issues each year.

I just thought I wouldn't need to worry until she was older.  Not first grade, right?!

What strikes me is the lifespan of bully behavior.  The tentacles that have grown on this ugliest of beasts.

Recently, one of my students violated campus policy.  My job is to investigate and pursue these matters, so I did.  At the onset of the situation, mother and daughter marched into my office to threaten my job and threaten the institution if I continued to pursue the matter.  As any good administrator would, I continued my work.  Strings were pulled.  Legal language was thrown at me in one email after another.  Accusations were made.  Complaints escalated up the proverbial ladder.

And little by little, I began to feel like that seventh grade girl sitting alone at the cafeteria table wondering what she did to be so ostracized from her peer group.  Do you remember that sinking feeling as the world  caved in?  Do you remember the isolation?  Do you remember the stares?  Do you remember the tears?  Do you remember the deafening silence of the telephone each night after school?  Do you remember the moment the note or letter or email arrived from a member of the 'in' crowd? the anticipation? the sheer defeat in realizing that the letter was filled with hate?

It seems that I didn't have to think back to junior high to relate to Peace.  It seems I could use my current example as fuel to strengthen her.  It seems she had much to teach me through this situation as well.

One night, as we discussed, she said "I don't understand why people get mean as they get older.  When I was in preschool, all the children played together and nobody was mean.  Now, so many kids are mean."

She continued, "I just want to invite everyone who is being mean to our house.  And I'll just tell them that being mean needs to stop.  That we should all just be nice to each other so we can all be happy and learn together."  

What I learned from her is that some people are mean, for whatever reason.  I know from experience that meanness often comes from feeling threatened, insecure, or bullied in other situations.  It's an expression of power and control or the lack thereof. 

What I learned from her is that we can still believe that everyone has within them the ability to be kind.

What I learned from her is that forgiving others makes things better, if only for her own view of the situation becoming more optimistic.

What I learned from her is that peace of mind doesn't come from others, but from inside each of us.  If we choose to share that peace, others will become peaceful.

What I learned from her is that choosing to share peace is hard and requires resilience and persistence.  But, it can be done!

Neither situation has reached its resolve, but both are looking brighter.  I'm thankful that we had each other to lean on in this.  While I'm not naive, I hope it will be a long time before either of us encounters a bully again.  When it does, I hope she and I will continue playing side-by-side.