Being

There is a dark and lonely place that my mind escapes to on occasion.  A usually talkative person, my words retreat to a space far away and I long to relinquish any and all decision making, organizing, planning, and doing.  For most of my life, I've known this as the ugly times and assumed I had a predisposition for depression.  This is where I am today.

I've hesitated to write about this believing it a sign of weakness and moment of selfishness.  I also worry about those reading who might become worried themselves.  But, I've learned that writing has a way of lighting darkness, clearing the mind, and changing my perspective.  So, I am writing.

"I would like to know if other people have these moments too." (Schoemperlen)

I am also reading.  I recently came across a passage in Our Lady of the Lost and Found that shed light on my own mental retreats.  Schoemperlen writes of her own life when she was in her thirties (like me) and asking life's big questions (like me), "I found myself slipping into the ever-seductive slough of despair."  She continues, "This swamp of self-doubt led . . . to an obsessive spasm of self-examination.  I desperately wanted to figure out what was wrong with me."

I've had this experience all my life - where I become quiet, withdrawn, and wallow in self pity about the things I wish I had in my life (money, time, peace, a different job, material things around my home, balance).  Or I become caught up in self-critique and desire to be better than I am - more attune to nature, more focused on sustainability and care for our earth, less critical of others, more patient, less judgmental, more open, more able to be in the moment.

This is the first time I've come to this place since my surgery and meaningful time at home following.  That is when I began meditation, when I began writing, when I began seeing things differently.  So as I find myself here again, I'm asking myself why.  Why am I here when there is so much in my life to be thankful for?  Why am I withdrawn when those I love are reaching out?  Having seen beauty and love and peace and kindness in such different ways over the last four months, why am I here again?  

"These intermittent losses of faith . . . would seem to have little to do with love or loneliness.  Rather, they seem to be about something less tangible, something to do with purpose and meaning or a sudden visceral suspicion of the lack thereof." (Schoemperlen)

I don't know what precipitates this time.  I've never felt able to pull myself out - only time does that.  "More often that not it happens at less predictable moments when suddenly and for no good reason, I feel bereft and unequal to the task at hand, be it making the bed, doing the dishes, going to the bank, washing my hair, or writing another book." (Schoemperlen)  

These moments leave as quickly as they set in.

I am seeing this time differently than I used to.  I don't feel so hopeless and I don't feel like there is something wrong with me.  Meditation has taught me to allow what is.  So, this is where I am today and this space means something for me.  This is where I am supposed to be.  I have come to discover that these times are a yearning to simply BE.

"It is only in the telling of my story that I could recognize how change has been happening all along.  Now I understand that change (like time, history, and words) is both quick and slow.  Too quick.  Too slow." (Schoemperlen)

NPR has a Sunday morning program titled On Being which used to be called Speaking of Faith.  This program considers a wide and open variety of topics on faith, purpose, meaning, and being.  I love the change in title and feel my own journey of faith, purpose, meaning, and being reflects the paradigm shift also found in the program title change.  Ahhhh - a moment of connection!

So, I still don't know why I am here today and when I will leave this place.  But, I'm here in this silent, lonely, quiet place in a very different way.  Just BEING!