inside my absence

To address my absence or not?  That is the question...

I've struggled lately with whether to return to this space with excuses, apologies, explanations, stories about my absence. On the one hand, I made a conscious decision to engage in my every holiday moment with family and friends.  Which, of course, meant giving up something to fit it all in.  On the other hand, my readers are equally family and friends who have come to enjoy what happens in this space.

And that's how it started - my absence.  Picking and choosing among the many wonderful priorities in my life - time and energy spent on handmade gifts, planning and hosting numerous holiday celebrations from our own Winter Solstice meal to teaching about Solstice at Pie's preschool, lots of homemade foods and real quality time with my children.  Eleven days of break from school and work, travel to grandparents, balancing a desire to celebrate all that is good with an urge to keep things slow.

But my absence was wrapped in something else - the knowledge that a big change was imminent.  Just around the corner from the holidays and celebrations was a job change for me.  One I sought out, one I drummed up the courage to ask for, one Papa and I thought about carefully and cautiously knowing that, at least for a while, it will ask much more of me.  

One the one hand, I embrace this change with all my being.  For it is a change within my work space where I long to be creative, to try new things, to view my work world with freshness.  And this job change will allow just that.  On the other hand, this change brings trepidation and angst.  I've worked quite hard to capture a family first focus, to invest in the here and now with my children, to be truly present for them.  This new job with detract from this, I know.  Papa and I both know.

So, to remove myself from this space for a while was to insert myself into an important space with my children.  Knowing that it would be temporary, yet longing to hold onto it forever. Removing myself from this space was, in some ways, a precursor to what I expected to be true - little time to invest in myself as I embark on this new adventure.

My hope is that I can hold onto the lessons learned in these two years of slowing and attempting to be present.  That in the excitement and energy and fast pace of learning new things, I remember the beauty of what is right now.  That the way I approach this change is heavily influenced by the person I've become.  That I bring to this position a sense of being in the present moment, slowing the frenzy, and helping my students gain a little life perspective along the way.

I have chosen this life.  The life of full-time mother and full-time professional.  Oh, how I admire the women in my life who have chosen a different path.  The truth is I've often wished I could be more like them - wanting to stay home with my children.  Today, though, I've arrived with confidence at this piece of my becoming.  This is who I am and I am proud of her.  Even though it sometimes means I have to admit that I can't do everything!

So, you'll have to excuse me if I'm absent more often than not.  I have a lot on my plate.  I do plan to be here.  And, hope, with patience, that you'll meet me here too.  Because as much as I had intended to use this space as my own, I've found warmth, encouragement, delight, and joy in your comments and in sharing this space with you.