haircut

I got a hair cut.  An ordinary haircut.

But, this haircut came with a life altering conversation.  "What," you say!

"Yes!"  I say.  A life-changing, light bulb-lighting kind of conversation.

I've been going to the same stylist for five years now.  As any woman knows, when you find someone you like, you stick with 'em.  I've been consistently happy with my haircuts, but even happier with our conversation over the years.  Recently, she opened her own shop and I followed.  Now, our conversations are more like therapy sessions with a little dose of pampering.

We all know I've been trying to figure myself out - spiritually, professionally, personally.  I've been trying on new hats as mother, gardener, writer, and photographer.  Some hats fit and others don't.  There are so many other hats I'd like to try.  My parents tell me that I used to love hats of all kinds as a child.  I don't remember hats being so overwhelming back then.

http://www.thesunmagazine.org/

I recently read an article entitled Dissonance in one of my favorite magazines.

I know the dissonance Hurd speaks of.  It's the perpetual sound in my head, the gnawing in my heart, and the stack of weights constantly pressed against my chest.  I can't remember a time when I didn't know dissonance inside my being.

How can I be blessed with so much - beautiful family, loving husband, network of supportive women friends, good job - and still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin?  Where is this authentic self I've read about?

This conversation with my stylist helped me step away from the spot on the wall at which my nose has been firmly placed.  She said, "You know you've been saying the same thing about your job for the past five years.  You say it differently each time, but it's been the same thing."

Ah, the big picture comes into focus and for the first time in my life I say out loud, "I want to teach."  I say those words as though they have always been there just waiting for my mouth to form around them.  

And for a moment, I here the next chord.  The chord that follows the dissonance. The chord that resolves the tension, the anticipation.  Though temporary, I allow my body to feel this comfortable, safe sound in every fiber of my being.  I like the way this feels!

I am more fully aware of God's presence and this answer to my prayer that She may announce boldly for me what I am to do with this tension, the imbalance.  I've always thought the dissonance was God-given, a call, a pull toward my life's purpose.

 

There is much inner work to do before I jump into this change.  Much of the planning, daydreaming, questioning, fearing, and leaping has found its way into the new notebook I've begun to carry.  I've never carried a notebook before, but this, too, feels right.

I like my haircut.  

I really like my stylist.  

And I like where this serendipitous moment brought me.