affirmation

Mommy, she whispers softly, my belly hurts.

Again? I think, rolling over to look at the clock recognizing the time as mere minutes before the alarm sounds.  I mutter, Close your eyes and take a deep breath.  I'm sure you are just excited.

Mommy, if I throw up, will you send me to school? She says with angst recalling the frequent occasions when she missed the big event because her anxiety got the best of her the night before.

Knowing now that her stomach issues are most likely linked to her emotions, I sit up and give her a look of what I hope is reassurance.  Yes, honey, you can go to school today.

Why don't you lay down and close your eyes.  Let's breathe together. 

Slowly in and make your belly grow big - nice and slow.

Let your breath blow out through your nose - nice and slow.

Take a few more breaths like this and think of something that makes you happy.  Maybe your friends from school.  Or a food you like to eat.

Just. keep. breathing.

Her body softens now.  Her face calms, too.  She is safe now and she knows this.  Her anxiety can't steal this place from her.  Near Mom.  Safe.

Feeling better already, her gaze up at the moon, she shares sweetly:

I'm so lucky to have a Mommy like you.  If I had a different Mommy, she wouldn't know how to help me breathe.  Then I would just throw up and couldn't do the things I want to do.  I mean with your baking and your meditating, I'm just so lucky.

Then she laid against her pillow, instinctively placing her thumb in her mouth, closing her eyes and drifting just into that place of consciousness before sleep.

Imagine this moment.  Close your eyes and feel with me how powerful these words were for my spirit.  I was captured in that moment.  Time standing still so that I didn't have to wish to remember it.  I recall feeling bright, so full of light that every once of my being poured out sunshine. 

I taught her to breathe.  And that means something to her.  And that makes everything okay for her.  I gave her safety and coping skills.  And that means something to me.  And that makes everything okay.

Have you ever wondered if you are doing the very thing you hope you are doing?  Or being the very person you wish to be?  In all my self reflection and intentional living, I've often wondered if others perceive me to be doing the work I believe I am doing. 

I work in a field where we assess everything.  Did students learn what we taught them? Did they find value in the program we planned?  Are they satisfied with our services?  Always seeking areas for improvement.  My mind operates much the same way in assessing my own effectiveness, authenticity, and ways of being. 

Both in work or in self, sadly, I don't take the time to explore what I've done well or where I am hitting the mark.  We joke, in our field, that we don't celebrate well our successes because we are oft too busy planning the next thing.

So, to be graced with this external affirmation, this moment to pause and savor something I've done well is a gift that won't long be forgotten.

So, too, with this affirmation from a co-worker:
     Gina, you always seem so calm and composed.

And this one from my boss:
     What I will miss most when you change positions is your presence in crisis management.  What you bring to students who are in need.

And this one from my son:
    Mom, I love when you sit and talk with me at night.  I feel like I can go to sleep better. (followed by a big, fat hug).

I do what I do, both at work and at home, because of an inner motivation to do good work believing that my work (whatever that might mean today) affects others every day. Impacting others is a responsibility I take seriously.  I want to know that I'm doing that well.

What I've learned as of late is that all the self talk in the world cannot ever truly reveal to me who I am and what I do.  But, these affirmations, they are windows into the minds of others that help me see myself beyond the criticism and wonder.  They are measurements of the present I've given to others.  A wonderful mirror lifted up to me at exactly the moment I need to see and know.

And I am thankful for each and every one.