Winding Down

There is something about this time of year, when the earth, the flowers, the hours of sunlight are just beginning to wind up, that leads me to a time of winding down.  For twelve years, I've worked in higher education which means that May involves finals week, commencement, banquets, farewell receptions & dinners, goodbyes, closing buildings, and staff departures.  So, while the earth is waking, I feel my inner being slowing, holding my breath through the busyness of these next two weeks, staring out at the rest that I will take when it is all done.  And looking forward to the "slowing" that summer will bring.

This may be the first summer on record that I want to savor for its laziness, determined to be intentional about how we spend our days - casual, flexible, fun, together.  I hope to begin each day in meditation outside with the birds and crisp, cool air.  I hope to let the children sleep while I slip off to work early each morning.  I hope to leave work mid-afternoon to relieve my sitter and spend time playing before dinner.  I hope to take days off to spend at home, at the beach, at the zoo, and other places only our imagination can take us.  I hope to end each day with a walk alone sorting my thoughts and breathing in peace and tranquility.  Sounds fabulous doesn't it!?

Slowing down has been on my mind, as you can tell.  I told my son, not that long ago, that there is wisdom that says we should see ourselves having the things we want in life and then let it happen.  I can see.  So, I suppose it is time to let go!

What are your hopes and dreams this summer?

Setting the direction

As I slept last night, blog entry after entry came to me in my sleep.  I'm amazed at how writing can clear my mind for new and meaningful thoughts to enter in.  There's so much to write and each entry removes a question from my mind, answered or not, to create space for another amazing thought process.

I've been sharing my blog entries with my husband and he's asked good questions.  I'm not sure that he truly understands where I'm going with this personal journey, but I don't know that it would be fair to expect him to.  It's not that he doesn't want to understand, it's just that...

it is my journey fueled by an inner yearning for patience, peace, and understanding 

it is a personal incompleteness that experiences frustration each Sunday morning as we sit in church 

it is an uncontrollable urge to be transformed and to look to God for that transformation

it is a desire to look within me for this personal and transformative connection - no longer within the ways that I've traditionally been fed spiritually (worship and music).  I'm by no means abandoning those methods.  They are important, but no longer enough.  

So, in answer to my husband's questions, here's what I'm after (my goals, if you will):

• A closer and deeper connection with God, one which is transformative*
• A sense of peace which can help me become more patient, more understanding, better at listening to others and the world around me
• A stronger connection to nature and our human connection with nature
• A deeply rooted foundation on which I can raise my children, one which I can articulate and translate for them

Transformative: by this I mean, a process through which I can change those traits I own that limit me, hurt others, and drive distance between me and God.  For example, I know that I can be very judgmental. I come by this honestly and it has served me well in my career and in my life, but I also know that I cannot turn this off and at times, this characteristic can deeply wound and hurt those I care about.


The first step of my journey...