It's been a while since I've written an update on meditation. Lest you think I've given that up, I thought it was probably time.
I'm kind of at that point where I need help with my meditation. I've read books, practiced almost every single day for a year now. I've tried different positions and spaces. I've tried focusing on a word, my breathe, forgiving-ly releasing each thought and centering my mind.
Being outdoors heightens the meditative experience, but 30 degree temperatures give me fits when I'm moving around. Sitting still in the cold may make me explode! Probably not real effective! So, for now, I'm stuck indoors.
The yield of this devotion has certainly been increased patience, understanding, and a sense of moving about life more purposefully. That should be enough, no?
The problem is I can't let go of the expectation that meditation can enrich my spiritual life. I know, the first problem is that I'm bringing expectation into meditation. I did, indeed, and still do, expect meditation to eventually tap into some deep rooted connection with God. I wish for meditative time to bring me to a spiritual space that I have never experienced, an awakening of sorts. Maybe a spiritual clarity. A mystical experience.
I often begin meditation with a prayer that God will open my heart and mind and fill me with the Holy Spirit only to feel my body ache in anticipation and hope. The ache becomes a closing off and as my body grows tight, my mind floats back to the task list of the day. Frustrating, really...
I'm not giving up, nor am I negating the impact meditation has had. I
am, however, recognizing that I've likely gone as far as I can without
guidance. Where to go from here, I have not a clue.
I welcome your ideas and advice!
I share your frustration. I'm better at "doing" than "being" - still working on it... (which is "doing" again, isn't it? sigh... )
ReplyDelete-Cindy
I am amazed at your commitment and perseverance over the past year -- wow! I think it makes total sense that at this time having a teacher or guide would be helpful...I wish I had suggestions, but don't.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder though if your anticipation of the meditation enriching your spiritual life is inhibiting it from doing so...instead of the meditation taking you to where your deepest needs really are, and the spiritual piece then making itself known... Just a thought.