Restful Summer

92 degrees and sunny!  

(and purple)

We've complained for weeks about cold and rainy weather.  Our moods and dispositions have followed suit.  With my academic year at its end and my children's school year coming to a close in just days, we welcomed the heat and summer-like weather with open arms . . .

and a lot of water . . .

and a lot of play . . .

 

and we made our own rainbow . . .

and we rested . . .

 

and we saw beauty . . .

 Hoping your summer is full of play, rest, and beauty, too!

Being

There is a dark and lonely place that my mind escapes to on occasion.  A usually talkative person, my words retreat to a space far away and I long to relinquish any and all decision making, organizing, planning, and doing.  For most of my life, I've known this as the ugly times and assumed I had a predisposition for depression.  This is where I am today.

I've hesitated to write about this believing it a sign of weakness and moment of selfishness.  I also worry about those reading who might become worried themselves.  But, I've learned that writing has a way of lighting darkness, clearing the mind, and changing my perspective.  So, I am writing.

"I would like to know if other people have these moments too." (Schoemperlen)

I am also reading.  I recently came across a passage in Our Lady of the Lost and Found that shed light on my own mental retreats.  Schoemperlen writes of her own life when she was in her thirties (like me) and asking life's big questions (like me), "I found myself slipping into the ever-seductive slough of despair."  She continues, "This swamp of self-doubt led . . . to an obsessive spasm of self-examination.  I desperately wanted to figure out what was wrong with me."

I've had this experience all my life - where I become quiet, withdrawn, and wallow in self pity about the things I wish I had in my life (money, time, peace, a different job, material things around my home, balance).  Or I become caught up in self-critique and desire to be better than I am - more attune to nature, more focused on sustainability and care for our earth, less critical of others, more patient, less judgmental, more open, more able to be in the moment.

This is the first time I've come to this place since my surgery and meaningful time at home following.  That is when I began meditation, when I began writing, when I began seeing things differently.  So as I find myself here again, I'm asking myself why.  Why am I here when there is so much in my life to be thankful for?  Why am I withdrawn when those I love are reaching out?  Having seen beauty and love and peace and kindness in such different ways over the last four months, why am I here again?  

"These intermittent losses of faith . . . would seem to have little to do with love or loneliness.  Rather, they seem to be about something less tangible, something to do with purpose and meaning or a sudden visceral suspicion of the lack thereof." (Schoemperlen)

I don't know what precipitates this time.  I've never felt able to pull myself out - only time does that.  "More often that not it happens at less predictable moments when suddenly and for no good reason, I feel bereft and unequal to the task at hand, be it making the bed, doing the dishes, going to the bank, washing my hair, or writing another book." (Schoemperlen)  

These moments leave as quickly as they set in.

I am seeing this time differently than I used to.  I don't feel so hopeless and I don't feel like there is something wrong with me.  Meditation has taught me to allow what is.  So, this is where I am today and this space means something for me.  This is where I am supposed to be.  I have come to discover that these times are a yearning to simply BE.

"It is only in the telling of my story that I could recognize how change has been happening all along.  Now I understand that change (like time, history, and words) is both quick and slow.  Too quick.  Too slow." (Schoemperlen)

NPR has a Sunday morning program titled On Being which used to be called Speaking of Faith.  This program considers a wide and open variety of topics on faith, purpose, meaning, and being.  I love the change in title and feel my own journey of faith, purpose, meaning, and being reflects the paradigm shift also found in the program title change.  Ahhhh - a moment of connection!

So, I still don't know why I am here today and when I will leave this place.  But, I'm here in this silent, lonely, quiet place in a very different way.  Just BEING!

Blowing Bubbles

As I write this evening, I hear loud sobbing from the bedroom next door.  My three-year-old decided to throw away her "binky" tonight (we hid it, knowing better than to really throw it in the trash).  In my mind, her binky is a reasonable coping mechanism that allows her some self soothing. When she's ready, she'll really say goodbye.  There are fights worth fighting, but this is not one of them.

This is where my husband and I do not agree.  He's lying next to her in bed hoping that his presence will eventually provide the same comfort and she'll fall asleep.  I'd put my money on her!

In the same room is a terrified six-year-old little girl whose been having nightmares.  Really Scary Nightmares.  And despite her thumb sucking, she has not been able to calm or sooth herself as of late.  She's taken to sitting in a reclining chair in our room, trying with all her might to keep her eyes open so that she won't see the strangers again.  She's been waking with a tremble and shakes as she tries to wake me or my husband for comfort.

We learned a little trick that goes something like this:

"Take a deep breath in.  Imagine or see the strangers or the things that scare you.  Blow them out of your mind, through your mouth, and into a BIG bubble.  Slowly blow that bubble bigger and bigger.  When all the bad and scary thoughts are trapped in your bubble, quickly seal the bubble."

"OK.  Let's get ready to bat that bubble into space - far, far away.  Ready?  1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . ."(pretend to throw it in the air and bat it into space).

"Now, imagine God.  What does he look like to you?"

"Baby Jesus," says the littlest one.

"The stars in the sky," says the biggest one.

"Big hands holding me," offers Mommy.

"Take a big breath in and see your God wrapping you tight and keeping you safe."

May all your fears and all your worry find their way into bubbles and fly far, far away!

Prep Work

Summer is right around the corner, though the weather still refuses to cooperate.  But, summer takes a little bit of preparation - outdoor toys up from the basement, weed-n-feed on the lawn, oil change for the mower, cleaning the windows.  I love this time because so much of our preparation brings vivid colors out from under the cobwebs and into the summer blue skies and sunlight.

Even our toes find their way out of heavy, warm socks into the fresh air.  

Shoes take their place in the garage and the house becomes space for bare feet.  

And, then, color finds its way to our newly calloused heels!  Lots and lots of color!

What happy summer preparations are you making?

Winding Down

There is something about this time of year, when the earth, the flowers, the hours of sunlight are just beginning to wind up, that leads me to a time of winding down.  For twelve years, I've worked in higher education which means that May involves finals week, commencement, banquets, farewell receptions & dinners, goodbyes, closing buildings, and staff departures.  So, while the earth is waking, I feel my inner being slowing, holding my breath through the busyness of these next two weeks, staring out at the rest that I will take when it is all done.  And looking forward to the "slowing" that summer will bring.

This may be the first summer on record that I want to savor for its laziness, determined to be intentional about how we spend our days - casual, flexible, fun, together.  I hope to begin each day in meditation outside with the birds and crisp, cool air.  I hope to let the children sleep while I slip off to work early each morning.  I hope to leave work mid-afternoon to relieve my sitter and spend time playing before dinner.  I hope to take days off to spend at home, at the beach, at the zoo, and other places only our imagination can take us.  I hope to end each day with a walk alone sorting my thoughts and breathing in peace and tranquility.  Sounds fabulous doesn't it!?

Slowing down has been on my mind, as you can tell.  I told my son, not that long ago, that there is wisdom that says we should see ourselves having the things we want in life and then let it happen.  I can see.  So, I suppose it is time to let go!

What are your hopes and dreams this summer?

Mother

Photo taken by my 3 year old daughter

Somehow I've gotten from being a small, fragile, sweet smelling newborn, the object of my mother's affection, to a woman sharing affection with three children of my own.  I don't suppose it was really "somehow."  I got here because my mother helped me.

She set an example of what it meant to love, to teach,to listen, to be quiet, to worry, to care, to let go, to hold on.  

To this day, she still worries more than she should.  Though, I know fully that her worry comes from a genuine desire for me to be happy and well.  

She still lets go knowing I'll need to learn from my own mistakes.  She still holds on watching me parent my own children and offering her care when we need it.  

She still teaches me things that come from her own earned wisdom.  

She still listens and listens and listens!  For someone who thinks out loud about things big and small, a listening mother is the BEST THING OF ALL!

She still loves with a warm, big, open heart!

Eight years ago, her mother died.  Each Mother's Day she is reminded of the empty space her mother once filled and the gifts her mother gave her.  In a week when I've been thinking of giving and receiving, I know what my mother has given me.  And I know that I could never return the generosity (I haven't even purchased a Mother's Day gift for crying out loud).  For she is big in her giving, as was her mother.  I suppose she would say that my giving back is to pass along to my own children the kindness, love, caring, compassion, and listening that she has given me.  I will sure try!

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!  I love you!

And Happy Mother's Day to all dear mothers reading this today!

Colors

 Colors. 

 Something to be grateful for.  

 Vibrant, beautiful colors.  

 From nature.  

On a sunny day.  

A reminder that the Universe gives us abundance and grace.

Causing me to breathe anew.

Eliciting gratitude.

How have you experienced gratitude today?