Meditation

I want to clarify something I wrote yesterday.  I said that my husband did not "fully understand" this journey.  That's not entirely true.  He is curious, loving, supportive, and holding me safely through this journey.  He's been reading my posts, a little surprised and caught off guard with what and how much has been trapped in my mind.  But, he is with me, at my side, and I think, a little excited to see what comes of this.  I love him for this!

On to meditation...

About 10 years ago, I was introduced to guided meditation at a conference on women and became hooked.  When I was pregnant with my first child, I purchased a CD set from the same woman who introduced me to guided meditation.  This set was focused on healthy pregnancy and childbirth. I used the CD daily for weeks before my due date and learned that I was good at guided meditation.  I'd get into position and be in a still and quiet space before the introduction to the CD was over.  To this day, I've NEVER heard the actual meditation for either CD.  Perhaps I was asleep, but I know that during each of my labors, I used my breath and strength from those meditations to deliver three healthy babies without any medication or intervention.

Since then, I've purchased another guided meditation for relaxation and wellness.  I used this prior to having surgery when my anxiety was at its height.  (Although, to be honest, I forgot I had the CD until I shared my worries with my mother one night.  She had borrowed the CD and saw it sitting on her desk after we got off the phone.  Some would call that providence and others divine intervention.  Whatever you call it, I'm thankful it happened!).  Again, this meditation helped me function normally in the days leading to surgery.  I can't say that it affected me during surgery because I was under general anesthesia.  But, I know that I've relied on breathing since the surgery to help me get through the anxieties of recovery (pain, discomfort, worry).

So now, I hope to move from guided mediation to silent meditation.  I'm making this transition for a number of reasons.  First, I want to merge meditation with prayer.  I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, the only Son of God, and I believe in their presence in my life.  I've read one thought that prayer is us talking to God and meditation is God talking to us.  I want to be silent and listen.  I want to stop talking so much (and that can be a real challenge for me).

For the last week (I know, a WHOLE week), I've attempted to meditate. As I've read, the thing I struggle with most is the thoughts crowding my mind.  I'm using a mantra of sorts - "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46: 10).  I begin with my breath - through my nose, expanding my belly with the first breath and making that "airy" noise in the back of my throat as I exhale.  Once I settle in with my breath, I begin my mantra.  So far, so good!

Then, the thoughts begin floating in like a virtual to-do list - don't forget to email that student back, the car radio needs repaired, why was my daughter so emotional this morning (I better fix that).

Today, I talked with those thoughts and told them that they were important, but that their time would come.  I asked them to step aside because God might have something to say today.  About 25 minutes later, I snapped out of some other state (something similar to sleep, but I'm not sure I was sleeping).  I don't remember any other thoughts.  I don't remember hearing God, either.

Some days I offer a prayer, that God will help prepare me to listen, that my mind and heart will be opened for her (Yes, I said her.  We'll get to my problems with the patriarchy some other day).

Some days I see a distant white light.  I try to focus on it and with each passing thought the light gets dimmer or shuts out completely.  Interestingly, I'm being patient with this process.  I'm not frustrated that I haven't been able to completely quiet my thoughts and that I can't see more of that light, that it won't come closer.  I've never been good with silence and I'm even worse at sitting still.  So, I guess I'm looking at these meditation moments as success (not where I hope to be, of course) rather than failures.

So, I will keep trying...