A Reflection: I find myself at the end of a day which has been a rat race at best. I'm holding myself together while I sense that I am quickly losing grasp of the peace of mind I discovered while home after surgery. I've been able to maintain my meditation practice, thankfully. But, I've lost the space for walking. I'm chest deep in the things that drove my crazy and hectic life before I embraced the time to slow down.
I can't say that I am surprised. Going, going, going is who I have always been. But I REALLY enjoyed being able to be truly present in the moment - to savor it, to be in it, to explore it and enjoy it. The ability to just "be" is slipping away despite the clenching of my fists to the rope holding it near me.
While I'm back to the going, going, going, there is definitely resistance within me. My mind has always been able to hold a multitude of tasks in one space which I credit for my ability to vision,to make meaningful connections, and to keep our family unit going. In one breath, I would be writing a proposal, creating a birthday party invitation, getting bags packed for school, then soccer, and planning my next bell rehearsal. Today, holding more than one thought in my mind makes my mind shut down. I've let planning go and know that I will be paying the consequences soon enough. I'm not sure if my mental energy is still recuperating or if I'm fighting myself in an effort to hold onto those peaceful, reflective moments I had.
I started my writing by asking how I might hold family, faith, and work in one life and give each the attention they deserve. Later I wondered if I might continue this spiritual journey upon reentering the busyness of my life. Today, I'm thinking of balance and how this is achieved. Is there really balance? Can I hold all the things that are in my life, yet commit to the quiet, peaceful, reflective moments?
I view my mind's resistance to processing all the "to do" list items and know that I've changed. I know that my body, mind, and spirit are not willing to end the journey they've begun. For this I am thankful. But, today, I am also doubtful.
Ahhhhh....perhaps balance is found somewhere between - somewhere between hope and doubt, peace and busy, the time spent with children and time spent alone, the time in action and the time in thought. To settle somewhere in the middle would be nice...maybe...balanced.
Oh, I have been in that process of grasping and doubt for a year and a half now. It was while on maternity leave that I too slowed down, began writing in earnest, and began questioning.
ReplyDeleteAnd after all this time I still don't have it figured out. I am further along than before, but it has brought to light many, many questions of who I am, what I should (and want) to be doing with my time, and how to put those ideas and dreams into action. Those questions and decisions are difficult to answer -- and even more difficult to act in response!
Friend -- we must get together in real time soon -- we so need it!
My love to you,
Claudine